I know you don’t mean it. I also know that you’re probably not even aware you’re doing it, but you’re really starting to get on my nerves. Granted, I am 36 weeks pregnant, hot all the time, and unable to see anything between my belly and toes. Putting on socks has become an Olympic feat, and sometimes it’s easier just to have the accident than to do the I-gotta-pee-too shuffle while the kids take their sweet time in the bathroom after I pick them up from school. None of this, though, excuses you from the barrage of insensitive, ill-timed comments and suggestions that make me visualize doing you grave bodily harm.
Just in case you’re wondering, here’s a list of things you need not ever say to or ask a woman on the brink of her ninth month of pregnancy. You may just get your feelings hurt.
10. “Wow, you look like you’re ready to burst.” Yes, I know that I’ve gained a few pounds. In fact, my doctor even recommended it, but I’m in the process of creating life. What’s your excuse for that load you’re carrying around your midsection?
9. “Oh, your back hurts? You should probably get a massage.” Yeah, that sounds great, but the $50 it will cost is way outside my budget of zero for personal extravagances. How about you warm up your hands, and I’ll assume the position. You know where it hurts? That section between my back and my ass. Get to rubbing!
8. “I never did like that name.” And I never did like you! Let’s be clear. I didn’t ask your advice about potential names. You asked me, and I was the idiot for actually giving you a response. It was a momentary lapse in judgment I’ll be sure never to repeat.
7. “You’re meaner when you’re pregnant.” Well, you’re uglier when I’m pregnant. Stop saying stupid stuff, and I’ll stop responding to it. It’s a win-win for both of us.
6. “You must not have slept well. You look awful.” Thanks, just the pick-me-up I needed to get my engine running this morning. How about a little punch to the face? That always seems to perk me up, you jerk.
5. “You should probably lay off those donuts. It’s harder, you know, to drop that baby weight after you turn 30.” You should probably mind your own business. These donuts are the only things between you and a swift kick to the groin. I’m not too fat to Billy Blanks your behind!
4. “But breastfeeding is so much better for the baby.” Please tell me when I have EVER asked you what I should do with my breasts. Oh, was that a never? Yeah, that’s what I thought. That didn’t change, by the way.
3. “How is it possible that you didn’t get any boobs at all since you’ve been pregnant?” How is it possible that you’ve succeeded in making me feel like that underdeveloped 13-year-old girl in the locker room again? Thanks for that. I haven’t had a good cry in, oh, I don’t know, twenty years!
2. “I never had a moment of morning sickness when I was pregnant.” Well, whoop-de-doo! You wait until I’m dry heaving in the stall at work to share the joys of your long ago pregnancy? Why? Does this make you feel better about yourself? Just wait until I can catch my breath. You may not make it out of here safely.
1. “Are you opting for a natural, vaginal birth?” Wow, words can’t even express how much I really want you thinking about and talking about my vagina. And in public! Since we’re on the subject, I’ve been having these shooting pains down there. My doctor says it’s the normal thinning out and opening of the cervix. What do you think? Oh, I almost forgot, I’ve heard that post-pregnancy menstrual bleeding is a mess! Any advice on containment? Wait, where are you going? Come back! There’s so much more that I really want to ask you about my vagina. Stop running! I can’t keep up. I am pregnant, you know.