Every time I open the Internet on my computer, I am inundated with meaningless tale after meaningless tale about the lives of celebrities. I try to read these “news” stories without judgment, but there is always this running internal commentary about the futility it all. Secretly, though, maybe I’m just hating on the fact that these “journalists” actually make money writing this drivel. Maybe I am a hater, but I really just don’t care about…
- Which celebrity wore that freakishly high-priced, zebra striped t-shirt better: Every day I get up, go to work, live as close to a well-behaved life as possible, and the fact that said celebs are famous for absolutely no reason and have a grand to spend on a t-shirt while I struggle to stay within my budget at Aldi just ticks me off.
- Who the secret sibling of that celebrity is: Some of us have kids we don’t even know. Some of us have family we wish we didn’t know. So what? Have Americans become so celebrity crazed that we even want to know about the how the third cousin once removed of a D-list celebrity washes his car?
- Who that celebrity is dating today: We all know that tomorrow she’ll be seen, sporting over-sized sun-glasses on a cloudy day, canoodling the next athlete or back up dancer outside a restaurant in plain view of paparazzi. When she gets a real job or becomes a born again virgin, call me.
- Why that celebrity is in trouble with the IRS: If you make that much money and can’t find the time to manage what comes in and out of your bank account, you should be in trouble. What could you possibly have been doing? You pay people a full-time salary to be with your kids, you’ve done one movie in the last three years, and you’re photographed every day on the beach in an ill-fitting bikini conspicuously sunbathing in full make-up. Pay me to manage your money. You’ll stay out of jail, and I’ll get to take a nap for once.
- How that celebrity feeds her kids: We all do “weird” stuff with our kids that if written about and published around the world would seem bizarre. I kiss my girls’ feet sometimes. When we’re playing it doesn’t seem as weird as it does now that I’ve typed it.
- Who that celebrity is voting for in the upcoming election: It’s a sad day when we allow people who barely graduated from high school and can’t even keep up with their own sex tapes to dictate who we consider to run our country.
- Why that celebrity won’t pose nude:Some days I have a problem being nude in the confines of my own bathroom. Need some reasons against posing nude? Try these: My stomach and behind are bigger than the rest of me these days, so I look like a big, brown duck. Photoshopping my stretch marks and cellulite will give editors carpal tunnel. I haven’t shaved since last summer; does the world really need that visually depicted?