Memos from the Middle

Smack-Dab in the Middle of Living

Archive for the tag “fashion”

Upper Thighs and Other Things Men Shouldn’t Expose

Some things are just wrong. No matter how much apologizing or gift giving he does, a man just shouldn’t let certain things hang bare for the world to see. And when he does, women everywhere breathe a collective sigh of disappointment and general appal. I’ve had the unpleasant opportunity of witnessing some rather shocking male behavior over the last week, and I can say that the combination of offenses has caused me to question the tact and overall home training of some of the guys with whom I’ve shared space. Please, gentlemen, avoid the following pitfalls at all cost while you exercise.

Please, for the love of all things sacred, put those upper thighs under some longer shorts!

Wearing short shorts: There is absolutely no reason for your upper thighs to be visible to the world. Yes, exercising is great, but must you really jog in a 13-year-old cheerleader’s gym uniform? I think not. In fact, a few extra inches of short couldn’t possibly get in the way of your perfect jogging form. Please, just let these shorts die the death they started to die when the NBA gave them up years ago.

Absolutely not! If all the men look like you, suit up, gramps! (image via

Choosing to be skins at the local park: I may not be into sports, but I really am not into bared beer bellies on the skins side of a pick-up game of basketball, especially when there are 20-somethings who’ve never had to worry about anything more important than what time their mothers will be off work so that they can eat dinner playing on shirts side unnecessarily. These are the guys who work out before breakfast, running five miles, lift weights after Spanish class at the community college, and play ball at the park just to keep their high school talent firmly in tact on the off-chance they’ll be recruited to play Division 1 ball next year. Why on Earth do you middle-aged fathers of four insist on exposing your torsos to the world when these flabless Adonises play with all the coverings of an octogenarian monk?

Putting your ugly feet in man sandals: Man sandals are a little strange, but I have absolutely no problem with socks in sandals if your feet look like you’ve been running barefoot over granite outcroppings for the last 15 years. Obviously, a nice pair of sneakers would be better, for how could you really work up a sweat in those “mandals,” but I’d take the unfashionably awkward sock in flip-flop look if it’ll keep me from insisting you see a doctor for the gangrene that is apparently eating away at your toes. That’s just gross!

Of course, these two rock stars will violate all three rules at once! (image via

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