Memos from the Middle

Smack-Dab in the Middle of Living

Confession: Prayer

Sometimes, I just don’t feel like praying. I know it sounds blasphemous, but there’s no need to judge me because God already knows. In fact, He told me to write this. So if I’m going to confess it, I might as well confess all of it: Sometimes, I would rather watch television than pray. Sometimes, I would rather stew in negativity and be crabby than pray. Sometimes, I would rather talk to people who I know will gossip with me than pray.

But God is working on me. When I am most content in sin, He sends situations or people that compel me to my knees. He allows issues that I cannot fix, and when I look to others to “problem solve” with me, I am left feeling worse, realizing our limitations. He shows me my weaknesses, and for a while I wallow in a state of depression, and I find myself wanting to pray. Wanting to pray, though, and actually praying are not the same things. Sometimes, I tell myself, “I don’t have time to pray.” Sometimes, I flat out forget to pray.

But God is working on me. The knocking Jesus is doing at my door is getting louder and louder, and ignoring it is so much harder to do. I start reading Scripture because my desire to know more for myself is growing. I read devotionals, commentaries, and dictionaries because the nuances or connotations of single words send me searching for even greater understanding. And I pray now, wanting God to reveal the truth of his Word to me. I pray now because it feels comforting to do so. I pray now because the clarity and peace I feel on my knees is the most secure I feel all day.

But God is working on me. My heart is longing for God in a new way. I realize that prayer is so much more than just reverence. It’s so much more than obedience. It’s cultivating a right relationship with God. I learn what it’s like to truly love God. I learn what it means to accept God into my heart. I learn how trusting God really looks and sounds and feels. I can no longer live without prayer. I catch myself praying during every day activities, and I’m amazed at how easily I slip into prayer without even thinking about it or scheduling it. I wonder how I made it this far without prayer. I am excited about what blessings He has in store for me. I wonder how He is going to help me step my worship up even more.

And I thank God for working on me!

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