My Break Dancing Uniform
Don’t you wanna dance? (from epixhd.com)
Never learning to break dance is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Unlike the twist or the bump, which may still be fun as throwbacks at a family reunion, break dancing still looks cool. To me, break dancing has all of the urban funk of a ‘70s Soul Train line and all of the awe-inspiring greatness of a Saturday Night Fever disco routine. It’s the perfect combination of choreographed spontaneity and fun, and I wish I could do it.
The truth is that my dancing isn’t all that good. In fact, I only had two real great dancing years in my life. I’m grateful that those years were in my teens when being a decent dancer is kind of a prerequisite for virtually humiliation-free survival. Now, though, after college, marriage, and babies, I think that I’m more of a rhythm-less nation, largely unable to catch the beat without help. I get this anxiety sometimes at church as I wonder if I’m actually clapping on beat or just getting caught up in the rapture of some spiritual song or another. And it doesn’t help that when I’m really feeling a song, my husband looks at me with a sly smirk waiting until my eyes meet his so that he can burst out laughing at my obvious lack of dancing prowess. It’s cruel, and on more than one occasion I’ve contemplated backhanding him as he giggles haughtily at me as he dances with perfect rhythm.
See how cool this looks? (from onlygoodmovies.com)
Some of you may question why I would aspire to break dancing genius then. After all, aren’t there many easier dances to conquer? Yes, there are, but I want to look cool, and as fun as a junior high gym class square dance is, I would rather not be laughed out of my own home. I don’t think it would matter that I perfectly followed the directions shouted through the microphone by the caller; the husband wouldn’t let me live that down. Plus, the outfits are horrendous.
Because I am a product of the ‘80s, I have a certain affinity for fashion that became popular during that era, and if it will take as long as I think it might to actually become skilled at break dancing, I might as well get my break dancing uniform together. Who knows, maybe being able to spin on my head on a cardboard box isn’t all that cool looking without the right gear. I don’t think anyone would appreciate my duster and headrag staples as I popped and locked. I’ve been able to find all pieces to my break dancing ensemble, so if you want to look like you could bust-a-move, here’s what you’ll need:
Acid Wash Jeans
$34.50 at amazon.com
An Adult Onesie (the brighter the better!)
$26 at amazon.com
Classic Addidas
$64.50 (for my size) at amazon.com
Leather Vest
$64.03 at amazon.com)
Leather Studded Gloves
$26.50 at amazon.com
Red Feather Earrings
$13 at amazon.com
Memos from the Middle 
So, are you really saying that I wouldn’t look fly with this stuff on? I don’t think I’d do much dancing, but I would really look like I could, right?
OK, now you’ve done it. That image is burned into my retinas (retinae?) forever!