Memos from the Middle

The Right (and Wrong) Way to Do Mother’s Day

If you like the comforts of home, you’d better take this advice! (from enddomesticabuse.org)

You really want to avoid this reaction! (from kncifm.radio.com)

Just in case no one else is going to tell you, mother’s don’t appreciate any gift you buy. In fact, the irony of  “it’s the thought that counts” lies in the fact that it allows lazy people to get away with doing less than meaningful things for the people who took the time to carry their ungrateful behinds around for 9 months! And don’t give me some snarky “She ain’t my mama” line either. I bet you didn’t even offer to take one of those months off of her hands. (Yes, I do believe scientists have figured out a way for men to carry babies. Men are keeping this a well-guarded secret! ) Let’s just cut to the chase and be real for a moment. There are some definite DOs and DON’Ts of Mother’s Day gifts.

1. Do use common sense: In the words of my father, if you don’t have any, pretend like you do. Sure, your wife may have been complaining about that last 15 pounds she wants to shed to be back in pre-baby physical condition, but you may want to think twice before you purchase those resistance bands or work out videos. She may just pull a J-Lo and work out Enough to kick your butt .
2. Don’t think that kitchen or other household appliances are acceptable: Unless you are willing to have your next month’s worth of meals juiced and given to you in a tall glass, I’d avoid this all together.
   

   Don’t even think about it! (from juicemaker.org)

3. Do keep in mind your wife’s personality: If she isn’t inclined to reading, avoid novels and other things that will just collect dust in an already cluttered home. That same $13.99 would have been better spent on a DVD of her favorite movie (you know, the one you scratched when you were using it like a Frisbee or as a coaster for your ice-cold beer).
4. 

   Give me this over that sorry bouquet any day! (from backyardlandscapedesigns.org)

   Don’t think that a bouquet of fresh flowers will suffice: As a woman who loves fresh flowers in the house, I can tell you that it means more to me if you brought some home once a week. If this isn’t an option, how about you getting on that landscaping job you’ve been promising since you got married, and plant something pretty that will make her smile when she comes home from work.

5. Do remember that sexy lingerie is a Father’s Day gift: Get a grip, dude! You’ll get all the red and black lace your little heart desires next month. Right now, remember that she wants to feel appreciated.
6. Don’t buy anything that begins with the word “stuffed”: If it will be a children’s toy tomorrow, it will not please your wife. Stuffed teddy bears, kittens, or monkeys (which I find particularly offensive by the way–they throw poop for goodness sake!) are better left on store shelves.
7. Do think of lasting, heartfelt gifts: A sappy video that has you and the kids saying what you love most about her is always special. Getting the grandparents, aunts, and uncles involved too is also great. And don’t reserve the letter writing for the eventual intervention for her alcohol addiction (you drove her to it, you dope!). A series of handwritten letters from family members is so special.
8. 

   Is this your idea of a good Father’s Day gift? Then come correct for Mother’s Day! (from city-data.com)

   Don’t wait until the last minute: When you do so, everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Planning is key. Women know when things are thrown together. We may not say anything to you that day, but when you get that ugly tie for Father’s Day, just know that is the chicken coming home to roost.