Embracing “No” as Self-Care
“You kept me on read, Mom.”
“What?” I was trying to make sense of my daughter’s obvious frustration with me. “What did I do?”
“You kept me on read.” I stared at her unable to decipher her complaint. “I sent you a text message.”
“I know. I read it.”
“Right,” she said. “You left me on read.”
“Huh?”
“You read it, but you did not respond.”
“But you didn’t ask me a question.”
“You’re still supposed to respond.”
This, Friend, is how I know I’m officially “old.” Apparently, sending someone a text message, even if no question is actually asked, requires a response of some kind. Have I been unknowingly pissing people off? My cousins have this group chat that racks up dozens of messages throughout the workday. If I responded every time one of them sent something, I would have little time for anything else. Whenever I get a new phone, which admittedly is not often, the first thing I do is turn off all notifications. I can’t stand the idea of being pinged or vibrated every time someone reaches out. When I feel like checking messages, I will. I don’t need an external stimulus.
“What was I supposed to say?” I asked my daughter.
“You could send an emoji or something.”
Y’all, this was getting ridiculous. I looked back at the text. Then I opened up the emojis. None of them conveyed, “I got your text. I read it. There’s no emotional connection one way or the other to what I have just seen. Have a great day.” I’m not socially awkward. I’m not shy about communicating. But, for real, am I really supposed to respond to EVERY text message? No matter what? I toyed with the idea of randomly selecting emojis just to say, “There. I responded.” But that seemed catty. Why can’t silence be a response?
Then, I started thinking about all the things we do simply because we’re “supposed” to do them. We back ourselves into these tight corners where we have to play nice in the sandbox all the time. We agree to things that give us anxiety, frustrate us, or even make us sick all because we don’t want people to think we are being rude or ignoring them.
Earlier this year, our team at work had an after hours social gathering at a bar. I don’t drink. While I don’t have a problem with others drinking, I don’t want to be in bars. And as much as I like the people I work with, when I get off work, I want to go home. I remember questioning whether it was bad form to leave rather than “make an appearance.” Fear of missed opportunities or not being a team player sloshed around my mind before I finally said to myself, “Marilyn, it’s ok to say ‘no.'” I did not want to lie or traipse around the truth. “No, I’m not going,” was more than enough.
I used to be much more concerned about appearing agreeable. But being a nice, approachable woman is fine until the moment it isn’t. Setting boundaries, being clear about what I will and won’t do, and following through brings me peace. It may not always be convenient for others, but I’m not mean because I care enough about myself to limit access appropriately for my own health, happiness, and wellness. I’m not a bad person because I refuse to say “yes” to everything. And I am not anti-Christian because I choose to love me and help myself once in a while. Even Christ said, “Nope, not today” a time or two. He did not heal every person who came His way. He did not do everything people desired Him to do. He rested. He restored. He set boundaries.
“I love you,” I said, hoping to buffer what was to come next. “I cannot promise you that I will always respond. Sometimes, things do not warrant a response. Sometimes, I need to process what I am looking at or hearing. Sometimes, my lack of response is a gentler way of saying ‘no’ to something you already know is not going to happen. The fact that I read it lets you know that I am not ignoring you.”
Memos from the Middle 